Do’s and Don’ts in Confronting Abuse

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Abuse is about having power over someone. Abusers typically want to feel superior and to control and dominate. To them, communication is not about understanding. It’s a win-lose game. They use verbal abuse and/or violence to accomplish this. They’re frequently self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, lack empathy, and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding.

Their moods can shift from fun-loving and romantic to sullen and angry. Some punish with anger, others with silence–or both. It’s often “their way or the highway.” They can be bullies. Typically, abusers deny any responsibility and shift blame to their loved ones and co-workers. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have the upper hand. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. Often, they behave the way they were treated growing up, and their insecurity, shame, and rage from childhood drive them.

Allowing abuse damages our self-esteem. To respond effectively requires support. It’s difficult to face it without others who will validate our reality. This is especially true if we’ve been abused for any length of time. Without outside support, our compromised self-esteem leads to self-doubt, insecurity, isolation, and increased dependency on the abuser.

Common Mistakes that Escalate Abuse

It’s important to understand the motives and mindset of an abuser; otherwise, victims of abuse commonly make the following mistakes that contribute to more abuse.

  1. Appeasement. Most victims try to placate an abuser to de-escalate conflict and anger. This tactic only empowers the abuser, who sees it as weakness and an opportunity to exert more control. Pleading sends the same message.
  1. Arguing. Verbal fights with an abuser lead to more resentment on both sides. As anger escalates, so does abuse. Nothing is gained. You lose and can end up feeling more victimized, hurt, and hopeless.
  1. Explaining and Defending. When you’re wrongly blamed or attacked, trying to defend and explain yourself, beyond a simply denying a false accusation, leaves you open to more abuse. This behavior is often based on a desire to seek the abuser’s approval. However, the motive of the abuser is to have power over you. So if you’re seeking approval, this dovetails with the abusers M.O. Thus, explaining and defending yourself sends this message: “You have power over my self-esteem. You have the right to approve or disapprove of me. You’re entitled to be my judge (i.e., parent).”
  1. Seeking understanding from the abuser. This is a futile objective, yet drives the behavior of victims who desperately want to be understood. They mistakenly believe or hope that the abuser is interested in understanding them, while the abuser is only interested in winning a conflict and having a superior position. Arguing over the facts is thus irrelevant. Most abusers aren’t interested in the facts, only justifying their position and being right.
  1. Criticizing. Because abusers are basically insecure, although they may act tough, inside they’re fragile. They can dish it, but can’t take it. Criticizing an abuser can provoke rage and vindictiveness. It’s more effective to be assertive and communicate your needs.

Effective Strategies for Dealing with Abuse

There are effective ways to deal with abuse, although they aren’t our gut reaction. They require education and forethought. Here are positive steps you can take.

  1. Get information. Learn all you can about emotional abuse and codependency. People in abusive relationships tend to be codependent. Get Codependency for Dummies.
  1. Get support. Individual therapy, as well as attending 12-Step meetings, such as Al-Anon or CoDA, can be immensely helpful. If you’re being physically abused, get information about legal resources, hotlines, and shelters in your area, and read more tips.
  1. Detach. Learn to not react or take personally the words and actions of an abuser. Not reacting is the first step toward empowerment. See “How Not to be a Victim.”
  1. Raise your self-esteem. This will help you trust your reality, give you more options, and empower you to confront abuse. Begin by stopping any self-criticism, and then take action to rebuild your self-worth. Read 10 Steps to Self-Esteem-The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism and watch the webinar How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.
  1. Become assertive. Learn to be assertive, rather than passive, placating, nagging, criticizing, or aggressive. Get How To Speak Your MindBecome Assertive and Set Limits and the webinar How to Be Assertive.
  1. Set Boundaries. Learn to set boundaries. (Also explained in the resources in #5.) If you think you have done so, but that they’re not working, read “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work.
  1. Be Strategic. If you’re dealing with someone highly defensive or with a personality disorder, there are specific strategies to having an impact. Read Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.

© Darlene Lancer 2018

 

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Alex Glassey
Alex Glassey
4 months ago

Abuse affects the lives of victims and damages their self-esteem. Thanks for sharing effective strategies when dealing with abuse. It is also important to consult a psychologist to help you in managing your problems.

Anon
Anon
1 year ago

You are correct. I was a defenseless child who was abused by my older brother after my father passed away. My mom really didnt want me or my sister, and she favored my brother more. The abuse would start when she was at work. I would tell her what my brother did and she could’ve cared less. I left home at 18 and never looked back! She and my brother have serious health problems now. God knows and sees everything, esp when you hurt one of His children!

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
Reply to  Anon

Do see my blog “Sibling Abuse: The Hidden Epidemic.” If it left scars on your self-esteem, see Conquering Shame and Codependency.

Brendan G
Brendan G
1 year ago

It’s impossible to escape abusers if you are a child. You are captive in the home environment where this behaviour is the norm, and you are taught that it is the norm. The damage is done by the time you’re old enough to leave home.

There is always someone else to swoop in and exploit the channels of abuse that the original abuser set up.

And we are, as the other commentor on here has stated, abused by employers, governments, systems. You are either an abuser or the abused.

Lyn
Lyn
1 year ago

I have been concerned for a neighbor who lives in an apartment very close to mine. This nice man, (John), has a wife who appears to scream loudly at him late at night. This wife recently gave birth to a baby, and has two older children a boy and a girl about 5 and 7 years old. I have also heard her yelling loudly at her 5 year old son whenever he does something that does not please her. Late one night recently, my husband heard her yelling at her husband, and the baby was crying loudly. This woman appears… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
Reply to  Lyn

If you are concerned for the safety of a child, you can contact your local department of children or social services and they may make an investigatory house call. Realize, however, that there may be little that they are likely to do unless there is physical violence. If you’re friends with John and he opens up to you, you can suggest CoDA and counseling.

Monica
Monica
3 years ago

In this country, we have to bear sometimes psychological abuse if you want to reach your económical goals. No body lives from Love, sadly it is a reality

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